Life and Death

It’s 3:41 a.m. and I am awake on a Saturday morning! I have been awake most of the night. My thoughts are all over the place. You see, I lost someone today and though my body is tired, my mind is in overdrive. This is not our first loss this month. On mother’s day weekend, one of our aunts lost her battle with pancreatic cancer. While we would never want her back in the shape she was in, there is now a void…..an empty place at the table…..an absence of one who was never still for very long….one who was talented and creative…..one who loved life and her family. My heart hurts for her sweet husband, her son, her grandchildren, her siblings, her in laws! I know in my mind that she would tell us that she is fine…..that she is beyond happy…..that she is bouncing down the streets of gold as I type….talking with Jesus and all who were there before her. I know all this in my heart and in my mind….we all do……but still we grieve!! We grieve for her presence here….her laugh….her willingness to help with whatever needs to be done…..her advice….her direction…..I miss you Helen!! Today’s loss is someone very dear to me……someone that feels not like a cousin, but a brother. It is unexpected as death sometimes is…….it is so very sad…..it is the very thing that awaits all of us at some point! As I have tried to wrap my mind around the idea that he is gone, I have had so many memories come flooding back. Memories all the way back to early childhood…..my entire childhood was so intertwined with him and his sister and brother, that I have no memory of a time when we weren’t together. I have been so blessed to have been raised with an extended family of cousins that you could never really tell where one of us stopped, and the other began. We were family….we could play, and work, and fight, and love like nobody’s business!! Some of my earliest memories with the cousins are of playing in the soft powdery dirt under my Granny’s front porch, and later on catching tadpoles in the deep ditch that you had to cross to get from their house to the old home place. Riding bicycles and horses, swimming in the creek and singing into the old metal blade oscillating fan, that one of the cousins had painted with bright glow in the dark paint. Walking bare foot after dark down the dirt road with no real destination in sight, just because we could!! Later on sneaking off to town and riding dirt roads. There was never an absence of something to do…..we played hard, but we worked hard too. One thing our childhood taught us was a work ethic. Living in the country, on a farm there was always something to do. Character was built as we worked in chicken houses and hauled hay and fed cows and plowed fields. We may have done a little complaining then but we grew up knowing how to work! As time passed and we went our separate ways….we didn’t see each other much, but when we did….we could just pick up where we left off. That’s how it is with people you love…..the miles and years can separate us, but those bonds are deep and true! I will always love you Dennis Paul…..and I will see you again!!! Death has a way of stopping us in our tracks…..it can happen so fast that we are left just trying to hang on. The fact of the matter is we will all come face to face with this at some unknown point. It is vitally important that we all prepare for that day. As the preacher who spoke at Helen’s home going celebration stated…..it is all about the dash…..that little mark that separates the date of our birth and the date of our death. What we do with the here and now will determine how we will spend eternity. I have wasted a lot of time in my life with things that were not really important in the big scheme of things….I don’t want that to be the rule of my life…….living my life in light of eternity is how I want to do it….knowing that one day soon, I will cross over and as soon as I see my Jesus, I’m going to be looking for those that got there before me……what a reunion that will be!!! If you don’t know my Jesus, ask me…..I would love to tell you about him!!! “And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.” Rev. 21:4

Another Day....another chance to.............

I haven’t blogged in awhile. I have every intention to do it more often…….then I don’t! Nothing earth shattering has been going on in my world. The daily grind….it’s…..well…..daily…..and…a….grind!! I seem to get up and go to work, and come home, and go to bed and do it all over again. I have tried to take the bull by the horns and add some life to my years recently!!! I have taken up knitting!! Maybe I should say I am trying to take up knitting. A dear friend and I have begun going to “knitting” classes on Saturdays when we can, and it is proving to be lots of fun!! I have already made three or four dishcloths and, though using the same pattern….not one of them look alike!!! Hmmmm….. I did say I was learning!! I am improving, my first dishcloth looked like a Christmas tree… It has been a really good outlet for a few hours on Saturday. There is just nothing like sitting around a big table with a bunch of other women……and we are not even eating!!!! I half way jokingly said that I needed to find something that I liked to do better than eating….and while I’m not so sure that I like this new hobby that well, I really am having a good time with it!! It is a really good cold weather hobby!! And it does cut down on the snacking I like to do at night, while watching TV. I may eventually have enough dishcloths to insulate my house, but I hope to progress to some scarf making at some point. Besides that, I have been trying to be healthier. I have cut out diet drinks and coffee for now and have been making better food choices. I keep thinking that I am going to wake up all skinny and fit one morning….so far that hasn’t happened! I may have to get on that dreaded treadmill!! I hate to exercise…..I mean I really hate it!! Of all the times I have tried to incorporate this discipline in my life, I have never,ever, in a million years felt any kind of “high” from it!! I think people who come up with that mess are a little whacked!!! I have felt beat up and like I’d been run over by a truck and drug a couple of blocks….I have been sweaty and winded and worn slap out, but never once has it felt good!! Anyway……I may have to try it again…..not because I think it’s going to make me feel good, but because I think I need to. I am of the mind with this sort of thing that I don’t know if it really makes you live longer, or if it just feels like you do!! Oh well, another day another chance to try to do it better!!! Maybe I will make a new goal to blog more……hmmmm!!! “…..His mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning…..” Lamentation 3:23

Happy Birthday Jesus!!

It’s very quiet in my house this morning. It’s still early for those who have been blessed with the day off. I felt the need to sit quietly and coral my thoughts for a few minutes before the day gets into full swing. The next 24 to 36 hours will be filled to the brim with busyness and noise…..all the things that family and celebration brings. While it’s still, I want to just soak up the freshness of a new day and the One who makes the days and brings the seasons!! I haven’t always loved Christmas and the craziness it can bring…..but the older I get the more I enjoy this season of the year. Somewhere along the way, it just got easier. Somewhere along the way, it became ingrained in my heart that this is not about me, but all about Him! Of course that’s what it has always been about, but it took awhile for me to get it!! No doubt “holidays” can be stressful……all the running around, gift buying, cooking and cleaning…..not to mention the gathering of family with all our quirks and different ideas about things. But that’s all part of it……or at least how we’ve come to do things anyway! While commercialism has pretty much taken over Christmas…..I have to pull back and get a grip on what it’s all about. It’s about the Christ child……that perfect One who took on a lowly state to become one of us!! It’s the celebration of His birth and ministry!!! Over the years I have told my kids…..it’s not our birthday, but His!! If I’m honest, I was telling myself that because I needed to hear it!! I cannot imagine sending one of my babies to take on the sin of the world……another reason to love Him so! While I don’t understand it, I am so thankful for it!! Happy Birthday Jesus!! I love you!

Death

I have been thinking a lot about death for several days. While this seems like a morbid subject, it is “real life.” The recent unexpected death of Tony’s aunt has really put this at the front of my mind. While to me a mere 63 years doesn’t seem like enough time for this wonderful woman to have been here on earth, tonight she is truly at home and celebrating Christmas in a whole new way this year. I’ve felt so much sadness for her husband, her son and daughter in law, and her precious grandbaby girls!! But at the same time, I realize that I have witnessed a life well lived. While I wouldn’t ask her to come back for anything, I know that our family get togethers will never be the same….she was the life of the party!! I have experienced some loss in my life……my grandparents, my step dad, cousins who died much too young, friends and coworkers, and my only nephew. I have sat with others who were grieving the loss of someone close to them…..I’ve watched mothers bury their children at much too young an age. I hate death!!! I hate it!!! I hate the way that it tears families apart…..I hate the way it leaves people ragged and struggling to breathe…….I hate the way that it causes every special occasion to have a dark cloud over it….I hate how it often leaves us feeling regret……regret at things said or unsaid……regret that we didn’t do some things we should have done. I hate seeing people hurting and knowing that there is nothing I can say or do that will help that pain. I just hate death!! I know that death is as much a part of life as birth……but it hurts so much and leaves such a void! Even at my age, I struggle with understanding at how God works…..why does He take such good people?!? Why does He take children? But you know the truth of it? No matter how much time we have with our loved ones, we will always wish for more time……God in His infinite wisdom knows best. He knows our hearts and our hurt. He who gave His only son for the likes of me….If our loved ones are His then it is just our own selfishness that wants to keep them here. Clearly, we can’t comprehend what awaits all of us when we take our last earthly breath and that first heavenly breath with Jesus!! If we could, we might try to hurry things along…..as it is, we just know the here and the now. If life is good for us, we want more years of the same……but if we think this life is good…….ohhhhh…. what we have to look forward to in heaven!!!! You know death is something we will all face at some point if Jesus tarrys . I want my life to be a life well lived. I want to love those that He gave me to love and I want to do the things He would have me to do with my life. I want to point people to Jesus!!! I remember 30 plus years ago when my sweet Papa Bonner died. What I remember about that is the grief that I felt…..I must say that my walk with the Lord wasn’t what it should have been and I remember feeling so irritated with the preacher that preached his funeral. He said less to soothe my heart than I thought he could have, and he preached a stern “invitation”! I was really ticked off about this. In my immaturity, I felt that wasn’t the time for that. All these years later, I realize what better time to extend an invitation to come to Jesus than at the death of someone we love. We tend to live our lives like this is all we are ever going to get…….we are so wrong in that. If I want to see my Christian loved ones again, I have to come to Jesus…..you have to come to Jesus! It’s such a simple thing!! I am so thankful for the chance to age and hopefully grow wiser!! As a child of the most high God……it’s a win/win situation!! As Christmas comes around every year on December 25th…….and we celebrate the birth of this precious baby Jesus…..we need to keep in mind that this is not all there is……if it hadn’t been for the death and resurrection of that same precious baby we would have no hope!!! While I may never feel anything but hate for death, I can also view it as the reward for the believer!!! I want to be sure that I Iive this life to the fullest using every opportunity that the Lord gives me to glorify Him!! Am I gonna fail .....absolutely……but you know what?!?! I’m gonna get back up and go again and I will do it because I serve a God that can do what I can’t!!! Praise You Lord!! As I close this blog for today.....I just want to say I love you Sheila Dickey......thanks for the memories!!!

Thanksgiving 2013

The leftovers have all been put away. I’m sitting in front of a roaring fire watching ‘The Homecoming: A Christmas Story” with my baby girl. We have had the best day today. We had most of our family here for lunch. We had quite the spread and it was delicious. I’m still stuffed to the gills and feel like I could pop like a balloon. I have been so blessed to have a wonderful family…….not just my family of origin, but the family that I was given when I married my sweet man almost 33 years ago. We are not a perfect family but we love each other and have such a good time together. Our fellowship was as good as the food today. We missed one of our aunts who stayed at home today. She is waging a mighty war against that ugly disease called cancer. I am thankful that she is still able to fight and I pray that she will feel well enough to join us at our next gathering. It never ceases to amaze me at how fast time goes. I feel much too young to have a 30 year old child….lol…..no, not really…..most days my body feels like I am much older than this mere 51 years. I just look around and realize that time has certainly not stood still. I have to say that I have such a good life. My kids are grown and happy….my husband is” still the one I want whispering in my ear”………my parents and my parents-in-law are still in relatively good health…..while I don’t live in a mansion, I love my home and look forward to getting there every single day of my life………my job pays well enough…….my church family feels like family…….my soul is secure……I have never gone to bed hungry, well that’s not exactly true as any good “dieter” can tell you…….I crawl in my bed every night and think “man this bed feels so good”………I have two little fur babies who make me smile every day!!! While I have had tough times like anyone else……bad days do not mean I have a bad life. I am so thankful tonight for all that I have been blessed with. As I sit here full and warm….I can’t help but think about those who are not so fortunate. As I crawl in my bed tonight, I will think as I do many nights about those who don’t have a warm bed to sleep in, and I will say a prayer for those people that I may never meet this side of heaven. And I will pray that the Lord never lets me forget how blessed I am. On this Thanksgiving night, I am so very, very thankful for my life….the good and the bad!!!! “Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.” 1 Thess 5:16-18

It's Almost Here

Since my last post, things are better. We have had some beautiful sunshine filled days. All the "little" things that get under my skin seem to have eased up. This sinus/upper respiratory "crud" that I've had on and off since January is getting better.....finally!! Spring is definitely on the way......my tulip tree is beautiful and my yellow bells are gorgeous! Waiting on the dogwoods that always appear by Easter and my azaleas!! I love the newness of Spring! While today feels cold and wet....the new season is peeping around the corner and I am thrilled!! As I write this I'm still in my robe. I was so aggravated at myself when I woke up at 6:00 this morning, a Saturday!! I hate that....so I finally got up and had coffee and a "Little Debbie" swiss roll ( the breakfast of champions) ha...more like the breakfast of fat girls...spent some time with the Lord......and then went back to bed and stayed there until noon!! I know.....that is pitiful.....but it felt so good!! This is one girl who loves to sleep! I'm up now and the house is quiet. There's no t.v. going, all I can hear is the hum of the heat pump, and the occasional sound of my wind chimes and the sweet sound of birdsong. So peaceful and restful! My love is at work and my other love is still in the bed (she likes her sleep too!) As much as I love my family and treasure the time I have with them(most of the time), I so love these quiet, uninterupted moments. Time when you can just let your mind wander and ponder! These are the times that I sometimes hear from the Lord about something in my life....these are also the times that I mull over ideas and things that I need to do, and things that I want to do. It's also the time that the Lord brings to my mind people that I need to pray for and lift up to Him. I so take for granted the things in my life......the simple things like being able to see and hear and smell!! I can see the wonders of His hands...I can hear the sounds of His creation......I can smell the sweet scent of the coming Spring!! I can feel the touch of a rose petal....I can taste the sweetness of a fresh peach! What a wonderful creator we have! And He loves me!! I will never cease to be amazed by this. I am such a wretch!! I can be as moody and hateful as sin.....I can be as judgemental and condemning as anybody...I can be resentful and mean. I so want to be a good little "Jesus girl." But I'm not....I'm just me. He knows that....He made me!! The desire of my heart is that each day of my life points people to Jesus, not away from Him. I can't do this by myself. The wonderful thing is that I don't have to. He walks beside every step of the way......He picks me up when I fall and dusts me off and on occasion swats my behind before He stands me back up. This reminds me of being a little girl and milling around in one of our chicken houses with my Papa. Out of the clear blue, he snatched me up and scared me to death....He saw what I didn't....a snake! I would have placed my foot squarely on that snake had it not been for my Papa. My walk with God is much the same....He sees the things that I don't.....sometimes there may be an unseen snake in my path..... sometimes I may be the snake. Either way He can handle the situation!! I am so thankful that He can and does handle me and the situations of my life!! Those whom I love, I reprove and discipline, so be zealous and repent. Revelation 4:19i>

I've had the Blues!!!

I have been in a "funk" for weeks now. I have blamed the weather.....it has rained and rained and rained some more the past couple of months. I have blamed work....not just the place but the people I deal with on a daily basis.....I have blamed the president.....I have blamed the economy.......I have blamed my man and my baby girl.....I have blamed myself.....I have blamed the dogs!! About the only one I haven't consciously blamed is God.....though if the truth be known, I have blamed Him too. I have battled with depression for as long as I can remember. And while, medication takes the edge off, there are still days that it is a major issue in my life. For the longest time, I was so embarrassed about it.....what in the world do I have to be depressed about?? I have a great life!!! I have come to realize that depression doesn't care if you have a great life or not!! I do know that the true depression I experience can be exagerated if I let life get too out of hand. I think of the line in the movie Coalminer's Daughterwhen Loretta Lynn says that instead of running her own life, her life was running her. She made this statement and then collapsed on stage. While I haven't collapsed, I completely "get" what she meant. Sometimes we get too busy "doing" that we miss what we needed to see. These past few months have been busy. Somedays I get to the end of the day and wonder where in the world the time went. I have faced some new areas in life. You know when you are young you think that the people in your life.....namely your parents will always be there....honestly you don't really think about this at all.....it's just one of the unspoken, unnamed expectations in life. When you are slapped in the face with the reality that they are only human and living in temporary bodies, and that they aren't always going to be here.....well suffice it to say....it is a shock to your system!! I'm a nurse and I know as well as anybody that we aren't made to live forever and that our human vessels are decaying as we speak......I know this in theory......but it is a hard thing to watch. Maybe I am having a "midlife" crisis......who am I kidding...I am 51 years old.....who lives to be 102?!?! I am a bit past midlife....but the crisis part may still be there. I find myself worrying about things that I have no control over......I didn't used to worry at all!! I am thinking about all the "what ifs" of life these days. What does that say about me? For one thing, it says I am human!! For another, it says that I am in desperate need of a Savior!! I am so thankful that I have One!! He loves me too much to leave me like I am....and while I am human and sinful.....He can still use me if I will let Him. The one thing I have to remember is when the waves are over my head....they are under His feet and if I will just keep my eyes on Him, everything will be alright!! "And when Peter had come down out of the boat, he walked on the water to go to Jesus. But when he saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid; and beginning to sink he cried out, saying, "Lord, save me!" And immediately Jesus stretched out His hand and caught him."Matthew 14:29-31

Christmas Times a' Comin'!!!

To say that I have fallen off the blogging wagon would be an understatement. I think I fell off and got run over by it. There has been much water under the bridge since my last post on Mother's Day. Life has been busy, but honestly, I haven't been in a writing mood for quite awhile. It just sortof hits me in spurts and if I'm not where I can do it when it hits me, I just don't do it! I can hardly believe that another year is almost gone. This has been an eventful year for us. We watched our son in law graduate from seminary after some very hard years of preparation and study. We have watched our baby girl buckle down and do what it takes to bring her to her last semester of nursing school. I have completed my first year in my role as the clinic supervisor at the Greene County Health Department. I lost a good friend and co worker very unexpectantly to cancer this summer. I've aged this year, not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. I find that it takes me longer to do things. I am no longer able to multitask. I just don't bounce back from things like I once did. And while all these things bother me, there are some unexpected advantages to the aging process that I didn't know about. Things like learning to chill out and enjoy life more. Things like realizing I would rather take a nap than do laundry and being ok with that. I think I'm learning to be kinder to myself as well. I have always been my worse critic. I find that even though I still make my share of mistakes and blunders.....I don't get nearly as bent out of shape as I used to. I'm getting better at speaking my mind too.....when it counts!! I have spent many years of my life in a "tizzy"!! Worrying about things that I can't change and trying to change them anyway. This is very freeing!! I wish I had known this years ago. It sure would have saved many a hurtful word and alot less headaches. I guess that is just the natural order of things...as an old great aunt who had alzhiemer's would say, "Live and learn....die and forget it all!" Although, I hate the part of the aging process that affects my ability to see without getting my multifocal lens lined up just right, or I finally give up and just kneel on the floor at Walmart to see what's on the bottom shelf...I won't even mention what I must have looked like getting up off the floor ......and the fact that I think my body's metabolism has systematically shut down so that it holds every calorie I consume like it's the last one it will ever see.....and how two hours in Tuscaloosa shopping makes me feel like I have just completed a cross country marathon.....or how a forty five minute drive seems to have shortened all the muscles and tendons in my back, hips, and legs so that I have to do the Tim Conway shuffle to get from the car to the house.....I said all that to say this......I like this time of my life!! I feel more contented than I have ever been......I worry less and enjoy more. I have realized that there is no one that I need or want to impress. I'm happy with me!! Could I be thinner??? oh yeah!! Could my boobs sag anymore??? oh yeah, and they most certainly will!! Could I have more money....oh yeah! But none of that matters.....what matters is who you love and who loves you. First and foremost, I'm the daughter of the King ( hmmmm, I guess that makes me a princess!!) Being in that position makes everything else secondary!! Being the daughter of the Most High has certain privileges!! He loves me just like I am and He has blessed me beyond anything I could ask or think!! As I ponder what Christmas represents..........I am in awe!! That God would love us so much to send His Son on that Christmas Day so many years ago just warrants all my praise and thanksgiving!! Happy Birthday Jesus!! I love you so!! Thank you for my gifts of family and friends and every other thing you have blessed me with!! "And she brought forth her firstborn Son, and wrapped Him in swaddling cloths, and laid Him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn." Luke 2:7. Merry Christmas!!

Happy Mother's Day to the Two Best Mamas' in the World!!

I just wanted to take a little time to say Happy Mother's Day to the "Mothers" in my life! I have been so blessed to be surrounded in life by wonderful Mothers....or as we say here in the south "Mamas'"!! As I have raised kids of my own, I have a greater appreciation for the sacrifices made and the things done on my behalf by my Mama. I've jokingly said several times that it is a wonder that we "first" children survive with all the trial and error things done in our raising!! Having been the "first" and having raised a "first", I know this to be true!! Seriously, I do want to say that I have a wonderful Mama. You never know until you have kids of your own, what your parents did for you. I thank you Mama for the pretty little dresses you sat up late at night sewing. I thank you for teaching me to entertain myself and encouraging the love of reading. I thank you for all the heart to heart talks we've had, the shopping you did for me when you knew how I hated to clothes shop. Thank you for attending events like piano recitals and ballgames and banquets,etc. Some of them were probably painful to endure!! Thank you for teaching me manners, and consideration, and work ethic!! Thank you for exposing me to places and things that I didn't get to do everyday....like China Town in Chicago. Thank you for beating my tail when I needed it.....probably should have had a few more of those!! Thank you for moving all my stuff and having my house ready to bring a baby home from the hospital. Thank you for loving my girls and their Daddy. Thank you most of all for giving me life and for loving me through all the seasons of my life. I love you!! To my other mother...Faye....You will never know how thankful I am to have you for my mother-in-law! I couldn't have done better if I had ordered you directly from a catalog!! Thank you for loving me like your own! You have taught me so much about being a godly wife and mother over these 32 years. Thank you for being a prayer warrior for us. I have always known that you were bathing me in prayer every single day. That means the world to me!! Thank you for loving the Lord and modeling that love in front of me and my girls!!!! Thank you most of all for teaching your precious son how to be the wonderful man that he grew to be!! I know that what he is today is because of you! Thank you!! To Mama and Faye.....the things I mentioned above are by no means an all inclusive list of the things I am thankful for, where you two are concerned. I don't have enough time in this lifetime to tell you everything that I love and appreciate about you! I believe that we should give our thanks while those we love are living.....I never want a day to pass that you wouldn't know how very much you are loved and treasured!! I love you both with all my heart!! Happy Mother's Day!!! xoxoxoxoxxo Kathy

Blessings

I have pity parties!! Big surprise...I know!!! The thing about pity parties is that you are the only one who shows up, unless perhaps your man or an offspring happen to try to crash the party. Then you have to get really ugly and throw them out. I don't plan and organize for these pathetic events, they just sortof throw themselves together and before you know it, I'm smack dab in the middle of an all day "poor, pitiful me" celebration. I have had several melancholy days since this "50th" birthday a couple of weeks ago. I don't really know why.......I don't know if I've done everything I should have done............probably not............pretty sure I haven't done everything that I have wanted to do........but let me say, I have had a wonderful life!!! I have made some major mistakes...........I have done some really stupid things.......anything good I have done, is only by the very grace of God. He has blessed me in so many ways, but one that I'm resting on tonight is "friends." Not just casual "how do you do?" friends, but friends who will give up precious Saturday time to surprise me with a "birthday" lunch! That's what happened today. I have been so blessed by making some very special friends in my life. There is no describing how very precious these women are to me. They are the kindof women who would drop whatever they are doing to help, not just me, but anyone who needed them. They are wives, mothers, daughters, sisters and though we share many of these same roles.......our biggest common ground is our sisterhood in Christ. HE is what brought us together to start with!! He brought us together because He knew that we needed each other. I cannot imagine my life without these precious women! And fun.....did I mention that? They are a blast!! We can laugh with and at each other and it's all good!! There is something so very special about the friendships of women. I am so very, very thankful for these blessings in my life!! Thank you sweet friends, for making this "50" year old woman feel so loved and special today! I love you!!

Home

I love being at home. It seems like home time is so limited and I just treasure every second I get to spend here. I've always been a "homebody"! In years past, I've gone from one Sunday to the next and never left the hillside except to go to church. This is my safe place, my haven! In honor of my birthday (but really because I needed some "off" time) I took Friday and today off....love having a four day weekend!! The first two days were activity filled with my "girl's day" with Jodi on Friday. Saturday, Tony and I went with my daddy and step mother to a blue grass festival in Mississippi. It was great and we had a wonderful time. We slept in yesterday and as much as I missed my church family, I really needed the rest. I spent most of the day sleeping. As I got ready for bed last night, I looked forward to the morning that I would have today. It would be quiet.....Jodi has class and Tony has a doctor's appointment in Tuscaloosa. I would have another leisurely morning to drink coffee and spend some quality quiet time with the lover of my soul!! I wasn't disappointed either. There is nothing that compares to unrushed, complete quiet time with Jesus. Just to think on Him, and listen to Him speak to my heart. Am I the only one that He sometimes has to hem up in a corner before I stop long enough to listen to Him? Why do I do that? The thing is that most of the time, I'm not even running from Him, but I'm just too wrapped up in myself and my life to stop. What's even crazier, is the fact that I have seen time and again how much better life is when I don't neglect my time with Him. He gives me such good things that I take for granted. My prayer today is that He would help me to just "be" sometimes. I love you Lord and I want to love you more today than yesterday!! Thank you for my blessings. Help me to be what YOU want me to be!!

It's My Birthday!!!

It's here and almost gone again......my birthday!!! I looked in the mirror this morning when I got up, and I looked the same today at 50 as I did yesterday at 49. Had a good case of "bedhead", or as Tony would call it "the doll in the bottom of the toybox" look. You know that pitiful looking, well loved doll that has that matted up, ratty looking hair. Picture that, and slightly swollen eyes and you can get a pretty clear idea of what I saw in the mirror...I realize more every day how quickly time passes. I realize that I am so blessed in my life. I have had such a great birthday. It started off very relaxing....having a rare morning to leisurely drink coffee without having to rush around to get out the door to work was awesome. Jodi and I had a day of fun. We splurged on mani/pedi's, lunch and shopping. I came home to sweet cards, numerous facebook birthday greetings and wait for it............cake and icecream!!! Heavenly days, does it get any better than that?!? This is a girl who loves some birthday cake and icecream. I tell you, I am one blessed 50 year old today!! I feel so thankful for the life I have. I so often take it, and those that I love for granted. This has been a sad week.....earlier this week a beloved family member of someone I hold dear, passed away very unexpectedly in the prime of his life......another friend watched the heavenly "homegoing" of her precious 85 year old mother. My North Carolina children experienced deep grief over the tragic death of their beloved puppy. While I know that a pet cannot be compared to a mother, husband, father or child.....it is still a "family member" so to speak, and plays a very important part in our lives. For those of you who have experienced the loss of a well loved pet, you know of which I speak.....for those who don't....you're missing something very special. Death is hard.....it's meant to be. It always stands to remind us that this life as we know it is temporary!! We need to fix our sight on the things above......while doing that, love on those we are blessed to have in our lives. Happy Weekend everybody!!

It's a New Year!

Well my blogging has been sorely lacking. I mean to do better, I just don't! Lots of water under the bridge since my last post in November. I started a new job the first of November and am feeling "at home" there. I don't do change very well, and while it was very hard to leave a place where I felt secure and comfortable, it has been a good change for me. I am enjoying getting to know my new co-workers and forming that "work family" bond that we are all so familiar with Baby girl finished her first semester of nursing school with a "B" average and we are pumped up about that!! Very proud of my girl!! We survived Christmas and, might I say, we did it better this year than we have in many a moon. We reigned in our spending and focused more on the "reason for the season." It was a wonderful Christmas. The only way it could have been better is if first born and son-in-law could have been here. This was the first time in 28 years that one of my chickens was missing from the nest on Christmas! While I know that I have been so blessed to have her all these years, I so missed her presence for the celebration of our Lord's birthday. We did survive though, and I am sure we are stronger for it:) We spent our New Year's Eve at the home of our precious friends, Judy and David Wilkins. We don't remember when we started ringing in the New Year this way, but suffice it to say it was a long time ago!! We love it. Miss Judy puts on mighty fine spread and Mr. David is the king of the fireworks. I don't know who enjoys it more, the kids or the "big kids"!!! It makes for an awesome good time!! We have now settled into our rut and routine again of normalcy. I have to say, I do way better with rut and routine. Of course, I've already forgotten the resolutions that I made a mere 27 days ago.......something about weight loss and organization and...... horrors....budget!! Maybe I'll start again on the 1st of February...The one thing that I don't want to forget is what's really important in life.....each year we get closer to eternity. I don't know about you, but I want to live my life in light of that.

It's almost Thanksgiving.......WHAT????

I am totally convinced that something happens to time when you hit your 40's. It seems like I barely get my Christmas decorations boxed up and Thanksgiving is here again. I have a love/hate relationship with the holidays. For the most part, I think I could hide away in a mountain cabin from mid November to New Years' Eve. While I can't really pinpoint the time that I started feeling this way, I think it would probably be my early 30's. I've always had those grand illusions that the holidays should be like a Norman Rockwell picture.......oddly enough, it never turns out like that. When our kids were small, it was fun to do Christmas with them. It took very little to make them happy. We were limited in the funds department, so that dictated simplicity. Somewhere along the way we've given way too much emphasis on gift giving and running here and there. Last year the holidays went fairly well, but I realized a couple of weeks after New Year's that I had truly missed the whole meaning of Christmas. I honestly don't remember giving Christ much thought at all. I got the gift buying done, the groceries bought, the decorating done, I attended all the obligated events...but when all was said and done, I really forgot the true meaning of Christmas. While, I take full responsibility for my lack of acknowledging that Christmas is Christ's birthday, not mine........it doesn't help that all this Christmas hullabaloo starts before the Halloween candy is gone. Thanksgiving doesn't even get it's day.......what with all the "black Friday" beginning at midnight stuff. I did notice over two weeks ago that the "harvest" decor has been relegated to a small corner of shelving at the local DG one aisle down from the 50% off halloween candy, while there is shelf after shelf of Christmas stuff. I am already feeling that dread of the weeks to come. All that trying to buy stuff for people who don't need anything or even particularly want anything ( anything that's within our budget anyway)......all the trying to figure out the "holiday" schedules and places to be.... While I love many aspects of the holidays,(mostly music and movies) I am always so happy when it's all over for another year. My question is this........is this the way it should be? Shouldn't there be more to it than this? And....if I think it should be different, then what am I going to do about it? For one thing.........I refuse to start the Christmas season before we've celebrated Thanksgiving. For another thing, I am going to make it a point to set aside time every single day of the advent to focus on the one who's birthday it truly is. I am going to trust His guidance as to how to spend my time and money this Christmas. What about you? What will you do?

Do You Smell It?

Do you smell it? Ask my family and even some of my coworkers and they will tell you I am the "Queen of Smelling Things." I have a very keen sense of smell, and at times this is a curse not a blessing. Today it is a blessing.........today it smells like Fall!!!! It is crisp and cool (59 degrees on my back porch when I got up). It smells clean and fresh.......... and even the way the light filters through the trees makes me know that this long awaited season is well on it's way. I love Fall!!! The cooler mornings, the light wind, the leaves changing, football.....heavens! it's just about perfect. I always stand amazed at the wonders and delights that our God has for us if we but look up and out. I am just as amazed and awed that He loves me!! Me who can be just as mean as a snake.....me who snaps at her husband for asking just one more question.......me who yells at my daughter ......me who spends too little time on her knees and in His Word and too much time in front of the idol known as a Sony Bravia 46 inch ........me who is lazy, and grouchy, and self righteous, and judgemental!!! He loves me even in all this. But.....He loves me too much to let me stay that way. Just as I can smell the scent of Fall wherever I go today, we are to be the fragrance of Christ wherever we are. I pray that God uses me today to be the aroma of Him. I pray that He does the same thing in you. Have a great day in Him! But thanks be to God, who in Christ always leads us in triumphal procession, and through us spreads the fragrance of him everywhere. 2 cor.2:14

Dry Spell

It's the hot, just past the middle of August, days in Alabama. Times that I've heard referred to as the "Dog Days" of summer. While I don't really know what that means........I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the scorching sun and stifling air that we experience every year around this time. It is usually very, very dry. Gardens wither up to nothing....grass gets really crunchy......the ground actually gets cracks in the top layer of soil from the lack of rain. As dry as things are.....the humidity is awful. It can take hair that you've spent half an hour working on about thirty seconds to wilt before your very eyes. You can hardly get from the house to the car before you feel the sweat run down your back....It's just hot....and dry.....did I say that already?!? This summer we have had more rain than normal, which has kept things alittle greener than we've come to expect.....but the hot days are still here. While my physical self is ready for some refreshing......my spiritual self is in even worse shape. It is about as dry as a normal Alabama summer. How did this happen? Why did I let it happen? It's a "slow fade" for me..........it happens before I even realize I'm dried out. My quiet times with the Lord happen less and less until I can't remember when I actually had one. I'm throwing out emergency prayers to the Lord....like someone calling 911! It usually takes some major "knockdown" to make me realize the state of my sin sick heart. This time it came in the form of very hurtful words said by me to one of my children. Words that were used in a fit of anger.......words that resulted from a major pity party of which I was right smack dab in the middle of. There's an old saying that goes something like " one who is wrapped up in ones self, makes for a very small package!" I can attest to that. I was so wrapped up in myself that I was just swinging at random. Somewhat like a blindfolded child with a stick and a pinata. I may be the only one who does this but just in case I'm not.....don't you just love the moment when you realize what a fool you really are?!? You know that moment when you feel about as low as the belly of a snake! And then to top it off........because while you were behaving so poorly.....and while your words were mean and hateful.....those same words spoke things that you never intended. I hate it when that happens, don't you?!?! You are right in the middle of your tacky, little pity party, feeling so entitled to your little fit and wham!!! You slam someone else with your poorly chosen words and attitudes. You hurt someone else all the way to their core because of your selfishness. My nature is typically that of a "pleaser." I don't like not being liked or accepted. But, in this case.......my "pleaser" personality must have been taking a nap!! Knowing that I had upset my child bothered me immediately, but after finding how deeply my words really wounded this child........I was almost overcome with grief!! I said all of that to say this. Had my spiritual life not been in the state it was in, I honestly believe that my words and actions would have been a little kinder. The sad thing is, this precious daugher of mine, was trying to be the spiritual light I needed and I shot her down.....thinking,in my hateful state, that she was being just a bit too spiritual for me. I wanted someone to just roll in the mud with me....not point me in the right direction.....so what does that say about me? First and foremost, it says that I am a sinner in need of a Savior!!!! And second, it tells me that I need to make my walk with the Lord the top priority in my life. I am so thankful that He seeks me out and calls to me and NEVER gives up on me. He wants me to throw away my pride and my sense of entitlement and let Him be, not just my Savior, but my Lord!! Thank you my sweet Jessie, for forgiving me and loving me in spite of my ugliness. I love you so much and I am so proud of the woman you are. You will be such an asset to Luke in ministry. Always be true to the One who loves you even more than I do!!
I'm always your biggest fan! Mama

More Changes

The past couple of weeks have brought some changes to our lives here on our little hill in the woods. Good changes, but changes none the less. First change is: First born and son in law have interviewed and will possibly take a church at least a couple hours farther away than they are now. While I knew with them being in ministry, there would always be the possiblity that they would live far away......I don't think I really camped out on the idea. I just know that if this is God's will for them, He will make it okay for me and son in law's precious Mama. No two mama's have ever loved their children anymore than we do. Having them 12 hours away for the past five years has not been for the faint of heart. I think we've done pretty well in our adjustment, but there are still times when I just have to get my hands on that child for just a little while. I miss her more than words can say, but I know she is where she is supposed to be......and I have every confidence that the Lord will provide!! Second change is that baby girl is engaged!!! She went to the beach on Saturday with her sweet boyfriend and his family.......and he surprised her with a proposal (and might I say, I right nice piece of jewelry) beachside on Sunday afternoon. So, wedding planning is in our future around here. I know my sweet man is thanking God that he only has two daughters right now! Baby girl starts nursing school in two weeks, so it may get really interesting around here in the next 10 to 12 months. I am thankful for so many things in my life and one of them is being a mama to these two magnificent creatures. I do have to admit that on more than one occasion, I have tried to find out where a mother can go to resign from this "blessing" as I have been fairly certain that being a mother was going to kill me...literally!! I have experienced some dark days in these twenty eight years( with most of those being the wonderful "teenage years") and I have on occasion felt the same feeling that was expressed by the famous Bill Cosby when he spoke of the joys of parenthood...saying,"I brought you in this world, and I can take you out!!!!" More days than not, I am very glad I let them live!! It is wonderful to see your kids grown, happy, and making good choices. It has been a wild ride, but I wouldn't have missed it for the world!!! I love you Jessie and Jodi.............I'm looking forward to the days, weeks and months ahead with you girls!!!! I'm so proud of you...... and for you!!!xoxoxoxo Mama

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl!!

Happy Birthday, my sweet Jessie. Twenty eight years ago we prepared for the greatest life change we would ever know. At the ripe old age of 21, I was sure I had this "mama" thing nailed down. I was well read in the baby care and "raising" department. I had at least one full semester of child growth and development under my belt..I had babysat a few times.....I was fairly certain that I was gonna be the poster child for motherhood. I did have a little fear of the pain involved......but I had that planned out as well. I knew about natural childbirth, but was pretty sure that this was for women who weren't as enlightened as I was.......and me being the brilliant nurse that I was and also being the biggest wimp I could think of.....I knew that the epidural would be my best friend!! My control freakish ways started very early in my life. Our plan had been to get through nursing school, get a job, pass my boards and get pregnant. We accomplished this right on schedule. We were so excited about having a baby. We got your room and little sweet, unisex, baby things together in the classic pale green and yellow colors. I washed and had all those little baby clothes smelling like Ivory Snow ,and looking so organized in your chest of drawers. We had the baby bed and cradle ready to lay our sweet bundle in. And then the literal bottom fell out. We found out that the house we were renting had been sold, and we had to find somewhere else to live. So.....the week prior to your arrival, we found another place to rent and we spent that week getting ready to move. The house we found was less than clean, to say the least...... and germaphobe that I am, we had to do some harddown cleaning. We also made one false hospital run during this week in the midst of all the other craziness. I was fairly certain that I was going to have my baby in the middle of highway 82 in the Sipsey swamp area. Had I known what I learned after 18 long hours of labor, I wouldn't have stressed so much about the Sipsey thing!! Thanks to some wonderful friends and family, we started the moving process the day before you were born. We were in the middle of moving loads of stuff when I decided that I was in labor. I know that your poor granny Gail would have probably liked to kill me off about that time. Picture this poor, pathetic humongous pregnant woman walking around doing little of nothing and bawling the whole day for no apparent reason......now picture that in the 100 degree heat that we enjoy in Alabama in July..........and we have a window unit air condtioner. Need I say that it was not a pretty sight. On the eve of your birth, your daddy and I loaded up and, with granny and aunt Tammy close behind, we headed to DCH. I wasn't in labor, but they decided to keep me overnight since we lived so far away. Finally about 5:00 the next morning, my contractions worsened and I was finally in true labor. It's funny now to look back about being so anxious to be in labor, and then hardly being able to wait to be finished with it. We didn't know if you were a boy or a girl.....and though I had always said I wanted boys ( I knew what teenage girls were like, and didn't think this was something I wanted to sign up for!) honestly, it didn't really matter to me.....I just wanted a baby. When you finally made your long anticipated arrival at 11:04 p.m. that Thursday night.........we were beyond thrilled!!! You were the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen. Ten fingers, ten toes, wrinkled and pink, very little hair.......but oh my goodness....you rivaled any princess every born. The next morning after all the commotion had died down and there was nobody there but you, and daddy, and me.........we unwrapped you and checked you out. You were absolutely perfect!!!! Nine long months of hope and anticipation was beyond anything I can describe. This child that we wanted so much was finally here. On that day, you forever changed our world for the better. I had no idea that I could love anything or anyone so much. I loved watching you sleep, and hearing all those sweet little baby grunts and sighs. I even loved the way your eyes would scrunch up tight when you were crying. I loved your smell.....I would bury my nose up in your little neck and just breath in your sweet scent. My poor attempt to describe to you just what you meant to us 28 years ago, and now 28 years later is very inadequate. You have been such a delight to us. Your passion for life and compassion for others certainly make a mama proud. You have always been wise beyond your years, understanding things that you really shouldn't have been able to understand. You are truly a magnificent creature.......God did really good when He formed you in the secret place. You are beautiful and smart and so much fun!! On this, your 28th birthday, I wish you every happiness in the world!!! Enjoy your special day......you are very much loved!!!!XOXOXOXOX Mama

Changes

Don't you just love how God works? I wholeheartedly believe in the power of prayer and God's omnipotence. But.....it never ceases to amaze me when He answers my prayers. I don't do too well at "making a long story short".....so bear with me. Some twenty five years ago, Tony and I joined a little church in the community where we still live. This church was such a delight for us. We had spent several years prior to joining this church in what can only be described as living in rebellion. As teenagers, we had both made professions of our faith in Jesus. But neither of us had ever made Him the Lord of our life. We had several years of living very much outside the will of God.........but as He lets us make our choices, He also lets us have consequences of those choices........and in our case that almost cost us our marriage. As God would have it, we bowed the knee and turned back to Him. In what can only be attributed as a miracle from God......He healed a broken and bruised marriage and turned it into something that has withstood the past twenty five years pretty well!!!
When God healed our marriage, we realized that we needed to be in church with the precious 3 year old daughter that He had blessed us with. We did some church visiting before we found our "home" at Hebron Baptist Church. This was a small country church with a small membership and alot of the members were related either by blood or marriage.....but these precious folks took us in and loved us like their very own. We had alot of fun, fellowship and spiritual growth during those years. Being a small church has so many advantages, but one disadvantage is sometimes not having many children....... and while this is not an issue with younger children, it can get to be an issue when you have "youth" age children. When our youngest was beginning the "youth" years, we didn't have any other kids her age at church. Our kids had participated in youth activities at the church in town for some years, but as our oldest was ready for college and the youngest was only thirteen, this was a problem. I have always felt that kids need a good youth group, and while our small church provided for that when our eldest was a "youth", we just didn't have the kids when baby girl got there. I also believe that families need to worship together. Taking all these things into consideration.....we started praying about what to do. We felt that God was directing us to go to the church in town where baby girl would have a youth group. Just let me say that leaving this "family" at Hebron was the hardest thing that we had ever done. We had been there for fifteen years, we had seen both our girls pass through the baptismal waters in this church. We had grieved the loss of precious members and we had laughed and cried, sang and danced
sorry about that, we didn't dance....we are Baptist......I got carried away in the moment! Anyway.....you get the point....it was HARD to leave. We were welcomed with open arms at Carrollton Baptist Church and we grew to love the people there. We have had some wonderful times in this fellowship of Christians. I was so blessed to be a part of a biblestudy group for young women called "The Sisterchicks!" I grew to love those girls like they were mine. We have celebrated the birth of precious babies, we've grieved the death of beloved family members, the pain of divorce, and we have laughed like complete idiots at and with each other.....but more than anything else, we grew together in our love for our Lord. Tony and I have wonderful memories that we will carry with us forever. In the past couple of years, we both have had a spirit of unrest. We have talked about what to do, we have prayed about what to do.....we have ignored what we felt like we needed to do for fear of hurting those we love.....but if you have been in this walk with the Lord for very long, you know that He speaks to you in times of unrest. We had been diligently praying about what He would have us do. As much as we loved our Carrollton folks, we just really missed "home." We also worried that maybe you can't really "go home." We decided to go back for "Homecoming" the third Sunday in May, and suffice it to say, we felt like we had truly gone "home." We decided to go back the next Sunday, just to see if we still felt the same on a "regular" Sunday....and we did....maybe even more so. There are lots of new faces there and lots of the old faces are gone..........but it still has that sweet, sweet spirit, and we now know that you really can "go home"!! I don't know what God has planned for us, but I'm excited and looking forward to the ride!! Pray for us as we find our place in what God wants us to do.
I hope you will find your place in your body of believers this Sunday. There's just nothing quiet like worshipping our God in the fellowship of your brothers and sisters in Christ. Have a great and safe weekend.

Sad Times

I've debated about posting this issue, but decided that I would do it. What issue am I talking about? The issue of which I speak is the death of our old dog, Missy. Our beloved pet of 15 years went to doggy heaven one week ago today. For those of you who are not pet lovers, this seems very silly...but to those of you who are.........you know exactly how I feel. This was not some "high breed" dog, but one that was a mixture of chihuahua and fiest and who knows what else. She came to live with us when my kids were little. She was easily the kindest, sweetest dog.........ever!! She wasn't a barker ( until old dog aged senility took over)......she endured being dressed up like a baby doll and strapped in a doll umbrella stroller and being carried around by a rambunctious seven year old without even so much as a whine. She loved us, and we loved her. Before her old age took her hearing, a mere whisper of "let's go ride in the truck" would set her in a tail spin. The only thing she liked better than going for a ride was sitting with her "Daddy" at night and snacking while they watched t.v. This dog could hear you unwrapping a piece of cheese from anywhere in our house. She was the first indoor pet I've ever had and she just ingrained herself as a member of our family. She was never quiet herself if one of us was not in the nest at night. She would frequently wander around and sit posed looking at the door waiting for the "wayward" family member to return.....and might I say that she was always excited to see us....whether we had been gone all day or had just gone to the mailbox and back. I once heard a comedian talk about the fact that dogs have no sense of time, and she proved this to be true time and again. In the last couple of years, she hasn't been herself. Her hearing was gone, her vision clouded by cataracts.....she appeared to be lost much of the last few months. Arthritis had played ugly tricks on this once active and playful dog, rendering her unable to navigate across the room at times. She seemed to lose all her joy the last few weeks......I never saw that tail wag anymore. She seemed to be in pain much of the time and would even pull back from our handling her at times. As hard as it was, we had to make the decision to have her put to sleep. I kept praying that I would just come home and she would have just gone to sleep, but that didn't happen. So.....last Thursday, I took her to the vet and he took care of her. We brought her home and buried in the back yard under the pear tree. Not a day has gone by that I haven't looked for her as I walk in my house. I would have never believed that I could become so attached to a little critter...........but I did....and I have already done it again......TWICE!!!! Several months ago, in anticipation of what I knew was inevitable with Missy, we brought a new puppy in..........a teeny, tiny little chihuahua that we named "Trixie." About a month after we brought her home, baby girl moved back home with her little fiest mix dog "Effie." Needless to say, it is like "Dog" central station around here all of the time. But it is fun.....so fun! As I was mourning the loss of the "old" dog, I was chastising myself about the stupidity of letting myself get attached like this again..........but honestly, I wouldn't trade it for the world. Pets just love us unconditionally....they love us when we aren't lovable. I've heard and read that people who have pets live longer and happier lives...........I hope that's true.....but regardless of this, I'm glad I've got my four legged babies. They sure make my life interesting!!
Hope you have a great...long and safe Memorial Day weekend!!